Alien Adoption
© 2001 Sandra Kellams
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Sandra Kellams brings us perhaps Demensions' funniest science fiction to date ... especially when you consider the comeuppance the main character's husband ends up with. That makes it this month's Editor's Choice. This is the second time one of Sandra's stories has been chosen as an Editor's Choice. In July 2001, she brought us Spare Parts Mart. This is the first time an author has been chosen twice for an Editor's Choice.
I'd found the ad in the back of a magazine. It had been placed between two less promising ads, for me anyway. One was for a breast enlargement cream, the other a cellulite lotion. The photos would make any small-chested, less than perfect woman take a second look and dream.
It was the ad between them that made me sit up straight. Adopt an Alien, it said in bold black type. An eight hundred number stretched across the bottom.
I found the ad in Dr. Conway's waiting room, while waiting with a bunch of pregnant woman. I was so jealous of them. Even if they were all fat. There was a hanging television blaring a soap opera. I don't watch soap operas so I couldn't tell you which one it was. All the women were watching. I imagine that's about all they did do -- watch soap operas and clean during the commercials. I say this because that's what I remember my mom doing.
I knew what Dr. Conway would say, what he'd said every time I'd gone to see him.
"I'm sorry," Conway said on my last visit. "But we may never find the problem unless your husband comes in for an exam."
"Yea right," I'd said. My dress had been pinched up in my underwear, I snapped it out.
I ripped the page out of the magazine. Everyone stopped and looked up at me. Even the two boys that raced uncontrollably around the center magazine table stopped and looked. I felt like I should duck or something. The nurse behind the desk peeked up from behind her pile of work.
I stood, shoved the ad deep into my pant's pocket, apologized to the nurse and left. I assume all heads turned back to the hanging television.
My husband wasn't so thrilled about the ad. I'd just plopped two pork chops into a smoking pan. "I put a down payment on a baby today," I told him, trying to be as casual as possible. I knew he'd be upset so I'd tried to make it seem ordinary.
He stomped his way into the kitchen, beer in hand. I'd once told him that when he died, God would be waiting for him at the pearly gates with a Breathalyzer. "Breath into this," God would say.
"You did what?" he snapped.
"I found this ad." I grabbed the ad from the counter, gave it to him. He read it, crumbled it up and tossed it into the garbage at ten feet.
I flipped the chops like a professional. "I've already paid them half," I lied.
At this moment he began to get that swollen look on his face like it was going to bust open and splatter into my chops. His cheeks got red and his nose, which was already red, got redder. "You're crazy," he said. He always said I was crazy. Maybe I am, I don't know.
"How much?" he wanted to know.
"Half our savings," I lied again.
"Our savings! You mean MY savings!" He put great emphasis on the MY. He called me a bunch of names I wont repeat and then demanded to know who he had to beat over the head with a bat to get his money back.
I told him we were to pick up the baby out in the desert the next day. "Oh yea," he said, "that sounds real legitimate." He mumbled something about black-markets and thieves. I ignored it.
The next day came but Jack didn't take a bat. Instead, he tossed his rifle into the back seat, big man. I just rolled my eyes and jumped in. Jack mumbled and complained the whole way. It was really hot out that day. I just watched out the window, looking into the thin film of clouds and thought of baby names.
After about an hour Jack began banging on the steering wheel.
"Where the hell is it?" he yelled, spitting.
I believe that no one is born bad, that all politicians mean well, and that the ozone will eventually heal itself. I think Jack needs some healing time.
I looked into the side mirror. One of my false eyelashes had come off. The heat must have melted the glue I used to put them on. I plucked the other one off, so I didn't look too ridicules. I was looking around trying to find the one that fell, when Jack slammed on the brakes.
"What the hell is that?"
I looked up. The spaceship stretched across the horizon like a child's pop-up book. Its highest point in the middle seemed to kiss the bottom of the sun.
"That's them!" I yelled out.
Jack looked at me and I thought his eyes were going to pop out.
He reached back, grabbed his rifle and dragged me out of the car. He pulled me behind a large boulder that had been stuck there in the desert like an island in the middle of the sea. I don't know why we took cover, seems the car would have been a safer place. He didn't even try to turn the car around. I guess he just wasn't thinking straight.
He squirmed around behind the rock, pulling bullets out of his pocket, dropping half of them onto the dirt. I don't think he noticed I'd walked away until he'd spotted me in his scope. "Laura," he yelled out at me. "What the hell are you doing?!"
I looked back and hushed him, waving my hand. I walked up to the ship. Two aliens had already come out to greet me. They were tall and slim, just like I'd imagined. Their long arms went up as if saying hello. The light that came from inside the ship was bright. I looked into it and saw the third figure appear, holding a small bundle. I smiled and I think it smiled back. I walked over to it and the other two joined us. They all had their heads tilted as they looked at the small bundle, adoring it. I tilted my head too.
I looked back at Jack. Two more aliens, don't know where they were hiding, were dragging him towards the ship. He was kicking and screaming just like a little baby. He called out my name as they dragged him past me and into the ship.
"I'm sorry," I yelled out to him, "but they didn't want money. They said they needed strong men, something about digging, you like to dig." They had no muscle after all.
Lilly grew fast. It took less than a four years and she was full grown. She is beautiful. Her hair is as yellow as the sun. Her huge eye's are the deepest blue I've ever seen.
She keeps me locked in the basement. She says I'll be safer down here. And that she'll let me out when all is clear. She says they're working to clean up this planet.
They're getting rid of the bad stuff, what ever that means. She says they're building too. I can hear them up there, lots of racket going on, drilling and digging. I wonder who's doing all the work. They have no muscle, after all.
It was the ad between them that made me sit up straight. Adopt an Alien, it said in bold black type. An eight hundred number stretched across the bottom.
I found the ad in Dr. Conway's waiting room, while waiting with a bunch of pregnant woman. I was so jealous of them. Even if they were all fat. There was a hanging television blaring a soap opera. I don't watch soap operas so I couldn't tell you which one it was. All the women were watching. I imagine that's about all they did do -- watch soap operas and clean during the commercials. I say this because that's what I remember my mom doing.
I knew what Dr. Conway would say, what he'd said every time I'd gone to see him.
"I'm sorry," Conway said on my last visit. "But we may never find the problem unless your husband comes in for an exam."
"Yea right," I'd said. My dress had been pinched up in my underwear, I snapped it out.
I ripped the page out of the magazine. Everyone stopped and looked up at me. Even the two boys that raced uncontrollably around the center magazine table stopped and looked. I felt like I should duck or something. The nurse behind the desk peeked up from behind her pile of work.
I stood, shoved the ad deep into my pant's pocket, apologized to the nurse and left. I assume all heads turned back to the hanging television.
My husband wasn't so thrilled about the ad. I'd just plopped two pork chops into a smoking pan. "I put a down payment on a baby today," I told him, trying to be as casual as possible. I knew he'd be upset so I'd tried to make it seem ordinary.
He stomped his way into the kitchen, beer in hand. I'd once told him that when he died, God would be waiting for him at the pearly gates with a Breathalyzer. "Breath into this," God would say.
"You did what?" he snapped.
"I found this ad." I grabbed the ad from the counter, gave it to him. He read it, crumbled it up and tossed it into the garbage at ten feet.
I flipped the chops like a professional. "I've already paid them half," I lied.
At this moment he began to get that swollen look on his face like it was going to bust open and splatter into my chops. His cheeks got red and his nose, which was already red, got redder. "You're crazy," he said. He always said I was crazy. Maybe I am, I don't know.
"How much?" he wanted to know.
"Half our savings," I lied again.
"Our savings! You mean MY savings!" He put great emphasis on the MY. He called me a bunch of names I wont repeat and then demanded to know who he had to beat over the head with a bat to get his money back.
I told him we were to pick up the baby out in the desert the next day. "Oh yea," he said, "that sounds real legitimate." He mumbled something about black-markets and thieves. I ignored it.
The next day came but Jack didn't take a bat. Instead, he tossed his rifle into the back seat, big man. I just rolled my eyes and jumped in. Jack mumbled and complained the whole way. It was really hot out that day. I just watched out the window, looking into the thin film of clouds and thought of baby names.
After about an hour Jack began banging on the steering wheel.
"Where the hell is it?" he yelled, spitting.
I believe that no one is born bad, that all politicians mean well, and that the ozone will eventually heal itself. I think Jack needs some healing time.
I looked into the side mirror. One of my false eyelashes had come off. The heat must have melted the glue I used to put them on. I plucked the other one off, so I didn't look too ridicules. I was looking around trying to find the one that fell, when Jack slammed on the brakes.
"What the hell is that?"
I looked up. The spaceship stretched across the horizon like a child's pop-up book. Its highest point in the middle seemed to kiss the bottom of the sun.
"That's them!" I yelled out.
Jack looked at me and I thought his eyes were going to pop out.
He reached back, grabbed his rifle and dragged me out of the car. He pulled me behind a large boulder that had been stuck there in the desert like an island in the middle of the sea. I don't know why we took cover, seems the car would have been a safer place. He didn't even try to turn the car around. I guess he just wasn't thinking straight.
He squirmed around behind the rock, pulling bullets out of his pocket, dropping half of them onto the dirt. I don't think he noticed I'd walked away until he'd spotted me in his scope. "Laura," he yelled out at me. "What the hell are you doing?!"
I looked back and hushed him, waving my hand. I walked up to the ship. Two aliens had already come out to greet me. They were tall and slim, just like I'd imagined. Their long arms went up as if saying hello. The light that came from inside the ship was bright. I looked into it and saw the third figure appear, holding a small bundle. I smiled and I think it smiled back. I walked over to it and the other two joined us. They all had their heads tilted as they looked at the small bundle, adoring it. I tilted my head too.
I looked back at Jack. Two more aliens, don't know where they were hiding, were dragging him towards the ship. He was kicking and screaming just like a little baby. He called out my name as they dragged him past me and into the ship.
"I'm sorry," I yelled out to him, "but they didn't want money. They said they needed strong men, something about digging, you like to dig." They had no muscle after all.
Lilly grew fast. It took less than a four years and she was full grown. She is beautiful. Her hair is as yellow as the sun. Her huge eye's are the deepest blue I've ever seen.
She keeps me locked in the basement. She says I'll be safer down here. And that she'll let me out when all is clear. She says they're working to clean up this planet.
They're getting rid of the bad stuff, what ever that means. She says they're building too. I can hear them up there, lots of racket going on, drilling and digging. I wonder who's doing all the work. They have no muscle, after all.
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